Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Driving the Lamborghini to Starbucks

Oh, how the neighborhood changes when the trustafarians return for fall semester. Like the swallows back to Capistrano, like the buzzards back to Hinckley, Ohio--Generation Obnoxioso flaps in, lands and starts to shit all over everything. And it's hell.

You cause complete gridlock at Old Town Shopping Center. The entry and egress there is tricky, kids. You have to fucking YIELD to other cars, not just plow in from Greenville Avenue, expecting us to get out of your way. You can't roll through the stop sign by Panda Express or drive 50 mph up the side by the wings joint. Well, you can and you do. Because you're special, I know.

At the nail place, which over the summer enjoys a Zen-like calm, the twit level suddenly goes Def-Con 5. No more dozing quietly in the recliners as our nails are soaked and buffed. No, now we have to listen to the sorority blisters gabbing at top volume on cell phones, saying nothing abso-fucking-lutely important about abso-fucking-anything. Do you not realize that you're TOO LOUD? That you're being RUDE when you carry on a phone conversation while the sweet little Cambodian lady is trying to ask you what polish you want?

At Central Market. Oh. Dear. God. The pushiness. The standing-in-the-aisles of the bulk-bins doing nothing-ness, the clogging-the-checkout-ness, the paying-with-credit-card-ness for a single muffin.

Up on Hillcrest at Daniel Street. Jesus. Red means don't walk. I understand that you rule the universe with your riches and your prettiness, but that doesn't mean your guts aren't impenetrable with the front end of my 8-year-old Toyota. If you weren't talking on the goddamn phone while you wisped along in your tiny Juicy shorts and your teeny Bateau baby tee, maybe you would see that it wasn't your turn on the crosswalk. Stop. Look both ways. Didn't nanny teach you that? Or are you just so used to being led around by your pert little nose that you don't realize you're jaywalking?

At my Starbucks. Shit, I surrender. It's where I write my column on Sundays--or was--because it's blessedly quiet and just a/c'd enough to keep me alert. My baristas, Alan and Aileen, greet me nicely and froth me up a hot nonfat latte that helps me put words on the screen. But now that you all are back from your yachts and your country clubs and your mansions in Republicanistan, I can't stand the place. This past Sunday I listened to a Chi-O (she was wearing the shirt) talk at the top of her squeaky voice on her phone for 30 minutes, giving directions to someone who perhaps suffers early onset Alzheimer's or is just too damn stupid to follow simple instructions. "You know where Old Town is?" she said in a drippy drawl. "Green-veel Ay-vay-nyew. Naw, the uth-errr wayeee." She talked her friend in on instruments, repeating the same directions about 48 times.

The friend arrived. It was a college guy. He was driving a tangerine-colored Lamborghini.

A little bit of latte vomited up into my throat.


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Another fantastic post. Have you heard anything about this Iraq play that's coming up at the school on the hill? Can't imagine this is going to turn out well...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, you really hate us sorority girls! it's okay... i still love you, prof, and i miss posts like this!!! i know you're busy, but i hope you'll start posting more soon!

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I enjoy reading you, but did I need to know the bit about the vomit?

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Anonymous Hillary said...

I totally feel ya. One great thing about living in University Park is the peace and calm over the summer when all the a$$holes are back in California and Florida.

Now I can't enjoy my coffee in the morning on the porch without some monster-on-wheels vrooming up my street every 5 seconds. Grrr, it just raises my hair. A beautiful day with birds chirping and the wind blowing being taken over by speeding F-1000000 trucks blasted shitty rap. I jokingly claim I'll invest in a paint-gun for such instances... alas we do not live in a perfect society where this would be the acceptable if not encouraged reaction to such invasive 'personal statements'.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you don't want to be around college kids, maybe you shouldn't live in a place called "University Park". Just a thought. I don't hear about 18-22 year olds moving into retirement homes and bitching about how many slow people in wheelchairs are in front of them or how they have to talk loud because no one can hear. Are you also the people who go over to Europe and then bitch because the people in Paris speak French?

It's almost ten years later and not a day goes by that I don't miss my beloved Alma Mater.

XOXO,
2.7

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I'm with you on everything but why you sometimes just tell these people to STFU! I mean sometimes people need to be told. And about paying with the credit card, couldn't they actually be debit cards. Most people don't carry around cash these days.

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Hi George, Well Written and perceptive, shows a lot of anger and alienation though, your more recent stuff seems more enlightened and perceptive and kind. Hope this is reflective of your wonderful current life. Thanks for the roses, cards and pocket knife. Vera is still alive and has a lot of company living with her. Take care. Always, JPR.

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