Stalking: Big prob on campus
USA Today reports that college girls get stalked a lot. And once it starts, it's hard to get the stalker to stop.
Then over on the biz page of the same USA Today is this story quoting employers who think it's weird how parents of kids applying for jobs interfere to a ridiculous degree. Like, would you let your dad call to negotiate your salary? Or have you actually grown up like a real person?
At what point should parents let go and let their grown children be truly independent (even if that means the kid makes some mistakes)? Isn't hovering over every detail of their kids' lives a form of control and manipulation?
Discuss.
posted by writer @ 2:41 PM
17 Comments:
Yes, but do the stalk?
Oh...
DO NOT BLAME THE VICTIM
Andy
I was stalked by a rich kid who had attemted suicide on a few occasions (didn't know it at the time). I was under so much pressure working through school after his hundreth call I said, I want you to stop this or I will kill you myself. I am way crazier than you could ever be. Looking back I can't believe I said that, but it worked, and he never called me again. Will that work in every case. No, but you need to take control of your life. Get police involved when you have to. My mom taught me to fight and I hope to pass that on to my daughters. I refuse to raise victims.
"I refuse to be a victim as well."
-Tom
So we share stalkers of a kind uh?
:)
Andy
I think once a child goes to college they need to stand on their own two feet. Unless something drastic goes on, they should be able to handle their problems on their own at that point. Parents negotiating salaries for their children is ridiculous!
I would not negotiate a salary for my daughter with one exception. If she were to obtain a job that one would otherwise hire an attorney to negotiate a contract for (very unlikely early in a career) , I would consider being part of the negotiating team, as negotiation is a central part of my profession. But would probably hire another attorney with more knowledge than I about employment contracts to take the lead or provide technical advice.
Oh good lord. Negotiate their salaries? If I were an employer, I would think it weird, too.
We've raised 3 girls to adulthood. The greatest joy of parenthood so far has been finally sitting back and watching them function in their own lives. It is pure delight to see them craft unique lives of their own. We would never DREAM of interfering with any job interview they've had. Though I do admit that I've typed up their resumes for them. Hey, I worked for an employment agency years ago and it's a skill I still retain -- what can I say?
It must be sad for parents who've raised their kids to adulthood to still feel like they have to pave the way for junior to ensure that he succeeds in life.
Oh, wait. Was I just talking about GHWB?
To anon #2. I doubt it's all whiny girls. Campus are stressful places and people sometimes go a little crazy.
I was never stalked as an undergrad, but was twice as a grad student:
1)When I left my ill-advised first marriage of 9 months, the ex stalked me for 3 months. The only way I got rid of him was to travel out of the country. It was scary as hell.
2) I was also stalked by a grad student colleague who went crazy. She became convinced that my husband (#2, the one I'm still with 14 years later) was Jesus and I was the serpent. Oh, and my daughter was somehow related to her. Fun times. This one ended in her arrest and hospitalization. She never did recover.
Ack, I can't even go there about stalking. Of course women stalk men sometimes. But the difference is that far more women stalked by men get injured or killed by their stalkers, because men have the physical means, socialization, and tacit cultural permission to exercise power over women. Duh.
Ok, but helicoptering your kids even past college to the job search? Unbelievable. To my eye, kids should be truly independent by the time they graduate from college. A small financial launch (say, first month and security on an apartment) isn't inappropriate, in this hideous real estate climate, but the job, health insurance, etc. is up to them. And yes, ongoing "help" given in adulthood comes with too high of an emotional price tag.
If I were an employer and a prospective employee brought in mommy or daddy to negotiate his/her salary, that person would no longer be a prospective employee.
I sent the helicopter parents article to our middle daughter ... here's what she said in response:
"That's crazy. I think I would go insane if ya'll were like that."
i sort of wish kevin was my dad. because while my parents have yet to try and actually negotiate a salary for me (and if they did, it would be against my wishes and i think i might die of embarrassment), i wouldn't put it past them in the least. they're so desperate to tell me how to live and to basically live for me, they're constantly pressuring me to do it their way. i negotiated my own salary for my current job (a salary i am mighty pleased with), and when i told my parents about afterwards, all they could say was "are you sure you couldn't get more?" they kept telling me i should negotiate more before taking the job. if i'm happy with the numbers, and if i'm not comfortable doing any more negotiating, why can't that be enough to have my helicopter parents leave me alone?
No. Parents should hover until the child breaks away and takes independence. You are a dependant as long as someone is paying for you. If students don't want their parents involving in their lives, they need to have the strength to do or say something about it. Parents, at the same time, need to know how to be involved without enabling their children to rely to much on the parents as crutches. It's complicated because it's difficult. If everyone knew when and where to draw the line we'd have a bunch Bill Gates and Gwen Stefanis in the world. Instead, we only have a few like that, and some of our leaders are unfortunate personalities like George Bush.
P.S. Parents negotiating salaries for their sons and daughters is absurd. That's crossing the line. If someone can't negotiate his own salary, he needs to stay at home and figure out how to grow up. Parents should know better! Mike, this means you, no exceptions.
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