Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Word Nerd 13: The New Horoscope

Whether you believe in them or not, reading horoscopes is a guilty pleasure. Haven't we all checked our sign to see if the traits match our personalities? I'm a Scorpio--stealthy, curious water sign with a penchant for shopping, soft porn and spicy food.

Just for fun to see Jack run (as my grandma used to say), invent some new signs of the Zodiac. Give them appropriate personality traits. And tell us what other invented signs they might be compatible with.


Anesthesio: One of the medical signs of the New Zodiac. Symbol: The Syringe. Hard to rouse from deep sleep, persons born under this sign seem to live in a netherworld just short of being fully alert. Slow-talkers, they find it hard to follow some conversations and often have to be reminded where they are and sometimes who they are. They prefer darkness and tend to work in undisclosed locations when given a choice. Can be cruel when crossed. Cranky between full moons. Appropriate professions: Security guard, spelunker, vice president of the United States. Most compatible with those born under Barbitura (symbol: The Little Blue Pill).

Bimba: Sign of the bottle blonde. Symbol: Two half melons. Pretty, breathy and fun, this sign loves the color pink and the sound the ATM makes as it spews new 20s by the fistful. You can tell a Bimba by how she reads--moving her glossy lips with the words and following along with a perfectly manicured forefinger. Favorite phrase: "For ME?" Appropriate professions: Movie star, romance novelist (with a ghostwriter), trophy wife, future litigant against Bob Barker. Most compatible with Trumpies, the money sign.

Your turn! Oops! Almost forgot to mention this week's prize: You very own stuffed green flying monkey courtesy of Elphaba from the Broadway hit Wicked. It's hideously cute.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Coarsle: The fire sign. There is no symbol to represent Coarsles, as they tend to go unrecognised. They usually go by their alphabetical names, with the prime virtue of their breeding. As natural signs, Coarsles tend to be boring to the core and not compatible with Anesthesios, Bimbas or Deeldoues.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous highschoolkid07 said...

Noobethos: sign of the naive gamer. Symbol: a joystick. Silly, happy, and confused. This is the sign of a young person exploring a new world around him. Don't ask them anything, because they know very little. They simply enjoy the bliss of ignorance and annoy others with their childish behavior. Though most are willing to learn, some are not. Noobethos are most always annoying in the beginning and are easily spotted. They are usually someone who asks too many questions or break too many rules. Favourite phrase: Hey! Why did I lose?? Appropriate profession: there is no appropriate profession for a noobethos. Most compatible with bimbas.


4:17 PM  
Blogger Rand said...

these are great, prof. here's one for you;

Bamboozles - sign of those from which money is easily parted. Drawn to red-tag sales, the latest accessory, and best-dressed articles in Cosmo.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Dolores H. said...

Musicarius: sign of the hopeless Broadway fan. Symbol: a playbill of any given musical. This sign will not flinch to send ticketmaster their credit card number for an orchestra ticket, and yet they'll get the cheapest thing on a menu in order to save money. A thespian at heart, this sign will often dream of being on the stage instead of looking at it, but will not join the theater school for fear of not succeeding. They are drawn to neon lights and large theaters. They prefer to listen to showtunes only instead of your typical mainstream music; for that they are thought of as eccentric, and unrealistic. They tend to major in business, Psychology, or any other stereotypical money making major in order to cover up any insecurities about being called such names. Most compatible with Theatrics, the sign that actually accomplishes the things Musicarius craves. Least compatible with Critic.

4:11 PM  
Anonymous CheepoCreepo's said...

Creeptoos: Nothing like a creeptoo.

2:27 PM  

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