Thursday, September 15, 2005

Random blurts from faculty

All true and all spoken by profs in the company of other profs:
  • I’m sleeping with my handyman. I think he’s homeless. I’m that desperate.
  • I should have bought a dog. Instead, I had a baby.
  • I have two football players in that class. Surprise: I think they can read.
  • Did [female student] tell you she was having oral surgery last week? Wrong end.
  • He’s on his way to becoming another seventh-year senior.
  • A kid brought a beer to my night class last night.
  • Don’t use the fridge in our break room. There’s so much mold in there it looks like The Muppet Show.
  • He’s so dumb he couldn’t pass gas, much less an honors course.
  • My daughter called home last night to announce she’s a lesbian. That's NYU for you.
  • It’s pedagogy versus demagoguery. And it makes me gag.
  • They’re not a fraternity anymore. They’re the Hitler Youth.
  • Sabbatical is another word for “looking for a better job.”
  • Who do you have to fuck to get a file cabinet around here?
  • I got through menopause and all I could think was, "I have to buy a motorcycle."
  • I heard she sleeps in the commuter students’ lounge between classes. That’s not right.
  • He’s not a senior yet. He’s a lifer.
  • Her father was in the NFL. Now he’s in real estate. Is it too early in the year to hit him up for a donation?
  • I went into [female prof’s] office once. When she opened the desk drawer, there was a pork chop sitting there. And it didn’t look new.

24 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who do you have to fuck to get a file cabinet around here?

Speaking of fucking, is instructor on student still going on or has it become too litigious?

5:24 PM  
Blogger johnnyville said...

Belated Exercise 2

This blog is as much fun as touching pussy for the first time.

5:35 PM  
Anonymous Tiana said...

I'll go back to sleeping in my car inbetween classes (instead of the commuter lounge).

6:16 PM  
Blogger Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Q: Speaking of fucking, is instructor on student still going on or has it become too litigious?

A: I think this will be around for a while. You'll see prayer in public schools before this gets banned.

==================

Q: Her father was in the NFL. Now he’s in real estate. Is it too early in the year to hit him up for a donation?


A: I was a Summer camp counselor for the Staubach girls. I know where you teach and I'm making a fairly good guess that is who we are talking about because the age is about right. Trust me, Roger is use to it, has already considered it, and would have made the donation if he wanted to.

6:31 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Thank you! I really needed a laugh. BTW, I am sooo enjoying the class and your essays. -E

7:05 PM  
Blogger Dee said...

hahaha! I love it! This sounds similar to conversations my colleagues and I have. Well, sort of. Think more along the lines of "Pregnant by 10th grade." or "They found weed in his locker-again." "Well, at least it wasn't 'X' this time."

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Around here it is.. (to new instructors) "So, how do you like teaching in the 13th grade, with cigarettes?"

7:49 PM  
Blogger SuperHolmie said...

I used to teach in a rural school district, where lots of thrice-divorced parents ran meth labs and getting knocked up was a 9th grade ritual. One day at lunch some of the faculty decided we should make those yard signs like kids in affluent neighborhoods have. You know, the ones that advertise the kid's a cheerleader or on the hockey team. Except ours would be those fat chicks bending over, with a dialogue bubble around some inappropriateness like, "Honk if you're my father."

8:05 PM  
Blogger theprofessor said...

To clarify:
It was a teacher sleeping in the commuter lounge. Students = OK. Teachers doing that = weird.

Yeah, profs still get on undergrads. But mostly in the drama department. (Or so I hear.) It officially is against the rules. (From my own college days, I remember the English instructor who f'd a girl in my class and after the act, turned to her and said, "You're still getting a C." Harsh.

10:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhh... so that is why I won't make it at a Research 1 University... unwillingness to abuse my authority and f students..

got it... :)

2:55 AM  
Anonymous Hillabeans said...

What???? You guys don't talk about grammar, spelling, and literature ALL the time?

8:15 AM  
Blogger P. G. said...

"You're still getting a C?" Oh, that's awesome.

As for beer in class: when I was in law school, one of my professors actually threw a beer party in class to induce us to come. (It was a make-up class for a session he'd had to miss, I suspect he felt guilty...)

9:18 AM  
Anonymous Garnigal said...

Whoa. That's a lot of honesty going on in that school.

9:45 AM  
Anonymous Ragman said...

Commuter lounge? Is that just another name for the Student Union? The schools I've been to were roughly 80-90% commuter - everybody hung out in the Student Union building.

Texas makes it a felony for public school teachers to sleep with students over the age of consent. I don't think it applies to college level, but I wouldn't be surprised if somebody wanted to apply it there, too.

UTD is had an issue over profs drinking wine at campus functions. Not drinking vs. students seeing profs drink responsibly. Very different from the first time I was at college, when the drinking age was 18. Student organizations had keggers on a regular basis. One of the engineering societies had t-shirts made of an alligator pulling a wagon with a keg on it. That definately wouldn't fly today.

Back then, one senior electronics project group built a breathalyzer. They had to demonstrate it to the instuctor to pass. ;)

10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I sure like this reality writing. Life can be so entertaining if people are allowed to express themselves from their perspective without all the bs filters of being pc which seems to be the case more and more these days.

Go NY Times for refusing to change the word refugee.

Go Liner for writing reality whether others like it or not. I don’t agree with everything you write, but I sure like to read it because I know my views are only mine and I find it interesting hearing others points of view.

If you can’t handle the traffic, get off the road!

10:44 AM  
Blogger Red River said...

In a six-student senior level math class at another university, one of our coeds was strikingly nubile, very tall, very blonde, and as remote as could be.

We called her Absolute Zero she was so cold.

And the other students were convinced she was a virgin.

I was not so sure for she had roaming eyes.

This class was taught by a prof whose wife was a math prof at that school as well. They were both very tall, which may have been all they had in common.

The lady math prof was definitely the better half or 7/8 of this dynamic duo. She was brilliant. And very good at teaching. And the reason I switched majors.

It was rumored that she wrote two PHD theses - hers and her husband's while playing NCAA Championship basketball.

The husband was brilliant, too.

But his genius was very narrowly defined and only a person plugged into the ex-student gossip club at the local IEEE Ladies Luncheon would get a whiff of what it was. ( Unfortunately, I did not get plugged in right away..)

Late on friday night I was working in the physics lab across from the darkened math building. I happended to look across the walkway between the buildings and saw a light come on, then saw a woman silhouetted in a window in the math building. It looked like she was pulling her pants back on. She then proceeded to go through the motions of putting on a sweater.

A minute later, Absolute Zero walked out of the math building from the front while Mr Prof went out the back. It was like a movie.

I mentioned this to an older woman alumna of the school during pillowtalk. She laughed at me and told me the same professor had once closed his door and then told her, "My wife does not understand me." The alumna took me out to lunch and I met several other women who knew the prof and told me similar stories.

The next class day it was all I could do to not watch Absolute Zero and the Prof or to not tell my class mates what I had seen. But I did follow Ms Zero around the math building then watched her go in the back stairs and up towards his office.

It was even harder to go to Mrs Prof's class right after the mr prof's class and not yell out, "Your husband is banging Absolute Zero! Right now! One plus Zero equals one!"

Then the day came when Ms Zero came late to class looking pale. She left twice to go to the bathroom. She complained about an upset stomach.

But I have the Eye like my mom's mom and I had known for two weeks.

Ms Zero was knocked up and did not know it at that moment.

A few weeks later, Mrs Prof comes into the next class and just tears us all new ones then abruptly runs out of class. We sent one student up to talk to her and he finds her balling in her office but won't tell him what the problem is.

I knew.

The next semester I had Mr Prof again. It was a bigger class with two cute girls in it.

I saw him looking at both after class real closely.

1:55 PM  
Blogger theprofessor said...

Superholmie and red river:
You've given me the smiles of the day. Thanks for those posts.

And andrea: The "Marco" was right on. I've had a few of those in class, fer sher.

Re: the serial comma. I don't make an argument for or against it. It's just accepted as Associated Press style NOT to use them. And most media use AP's stylebook.

3:42 PM  
Blogger theprofessor said...

And p.s.:
The one about the NFL player -- it's not Roger Staubach. Same team, different player, different era.

3:43 PM  
Blogger A. G. Rud said...

Her office looks like a Katrina clean up site.

9:44 PM  
Anonymous handworn said...

after the act, turned to her and said, "You're still getting a C." Harsh.

Little shit. But to her I'd say this: if you take home a cockroach, you can't expect him to make honey.

It's probably the most common quixoticism in women to go for shitty men with the idea they can make the men better. My theory's that they're trying to validate their mother's choice of their father, after the fact. Even if they don't know that that's what's going on.

A major museum I worked at had the same kind of thing going on. A major curator was involved with a grad student in a program run at the museum. Nothing new, as the examples we've been talking about demonstrate, but they were doing it everywhere in the museum. In some cases they left the room scant seconds before the next tour group came through that exhibit.

9:41 AM  
Blogger Lia said...

On beer in class:

One of my super-smart-start-college-at-17 friends told me about her professor who decided to take the whole class out for drinks after the last class and then was shocked when she declined the invitation.

11:41 AM  
Anonymous zyne said...

I have brought beer to class, but only when there were kegs at school, and the professor also brought beer to class.

In law school.

Apparently, this is a common gimmick to make us show up.

8:42 PM  
Blogger kit said...

There's a certain art instructor in the state of Texas who regularly appears in class just slightly more than drunk, with a nice odor of Jack on his breath. He's been moved from the the Art building proper to an annex about 3 blocks over in an effort to hint to him that he should quit, but since he's tenured, the odds of that are just about nil.

11:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At my undergrad and postgrad unis in the UK, there were an average of 22 university owned bars just for students.

And I did have a brief and torrid affair with a lecturer as an undergrad. She went a bit weird and still phones me to this day. I think the idea of sex with a professor is more appealing than the reality.

2:36 AM  

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