Saturday, May 07, 2005

Re-posting: Campus crime alerts

Originally posted March 11, 2005. Here's what they don't tell the parents of the incoming frosh. All stories are true and either were posted on campus via crime-alerts or were published in news reports in outside media:

  • Last year a professor was charged with maliciously and intentionally running down pedestrians with an SUV. Twice. The first time was in a nearby park, where this prof roared up on some cyclists and, angry that they weren't getting out of the way fast enough, bumped one and knocked him off his bike, causing some injuries. The second time was on campus, where the prof ran over a law student using a crosswalk to the parking garage. Charges have been filed in both cases. Trials are pending.
  • Maintenance crews working in the basement of the music building found a fully operating methamphetamine lab in one of the practice rooms. The young entrepreneurs who built it were never identified. (And rumors of jittery dance majors looking for a new source were unconfirmed.)
  • A professor in another department was discovered over the winter break to be living in her office. Seems she'd been residing in her tiny quarters for some time. She even had a cat living in there with her. Janitors reported her status as a squatter after noticing a large number of catfood cans and empty vodka bottles in the trashcan outside her office. Questioned, she admitted that she had no off-campus living quarters. Reasons unknown. She's currently off on ``medical leave.''
  • Bothered by an infestation of rats in the business school classrooms, offices and library, somebody a few years ago had the bright idea of bringing in cats as full-time ``ratters.'' Now, several generations and many, many litters later, that side of campus is home to a huge community -- herd? pride? -- of feral kitties, jumping out of the bushes to scare passersby during the day and howling and humping at top volume all night. Students protested when traps were set to catch the animals, so the school hired a "cat lady" to come over once a day to feed the beasts and generally see to their welfare. She also traps them humanely, takes them to vets and has them spayed and neutered. But the numbers are so great, she'll never get to all of them. The collegial cats have spread to dorms, dining halls and other facilities. Meow. (No word if the squatter-prof's kitty has joined their ranks.)
  • A prep-school-educated freshman from a wealthy family made thousands of dollars a week creating fake IDs and driver's licenses with equipment set up in his on-campus dorm room. He also sold date-rape drugs and other substances. Everyone on his dorm floor knew what he was up to. So did his roommates. He was suspected of date-raping a couple of sorority girls. Nobody turned him in. He was arrested during his second semester by an undercover cop making a large buy. His parents bailed him out and he lammed it overseas. Over a year later, he was picked up by Interpol after locals in the country he was living in began to wonder why a kid his age had so much cash and drove such nice cars. He was working by then for the Russian mob, stealing credit card numbers. Students still say he made IDs so authentic looking that they could use them in any club and not get caught. He recently pleaded guilty in an overseas court and is expected to be extradited back to the USA to be tried on other charges.

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